White Teddy Bear
“He is mine!!” I scream, clutching my teddy tightly to my chest. A girl, around my age of eight, is trying to take it away, with her friends cheering her on. Tears are overflowing my eyes.
It’s Spring, early afternoon. At the orphanage, grown-ups typically gather in the smoking room on the second-floor balcony to talk while watching us through the curtains, but this time, I know they can’t see us.
We are all standing behind the building, close to the forest, I often go to play. We all wear tall gray rubber boots, ugly worn jackets, whatever-mittens, and hats, nobody cares about. The sun is still high in the sky, but there is a chill in the air and patches of melting snow everywhere. Birds are louder during Spring than during Winter, I’ve observed. Hope they all made it through.
Children run and laugh in the background. We all are used to screams and fast movements around here. So, my struggles against the little girl are ignored easily. Fear courses through me, but I fight with all my might. Just when I think I am winning, the little girl switches tactics. She stops abruptly, causing me to pause as well. Then, I take three steps back, tears streaming down my face, clutching my teddy bear for comfort.
“Please, can I have it just for one night?” She begs. “I promise I'll give it back to you tomorrow morning,” she whispers, her face makes a sad smile. My soul says no, but my heart says yes. With a heavy heart, I hand over my beloved teddy bear. Suddenly, one of the other kids taps her on the shoulder and congratulates her. They all leave without a second thought, laughing, leaving me alone with a hollow feeling in my chest.
This morning, while I was sitting on the stairs in front of the orphanage, the grown-up woman who works for morning shifts, handed me a small package, saying, "Here, it's for you. I hope you like it." She let me see her smile. I was in disbelief. Was this really for me? A real white teddy bear? Tears of joy welled up in my eyes, and I realized that tears could also be a sign of happiness. “Thank you”, I said and carried the gift all the way to my bed to hide it.
And now, paralyzed in silence, I struggle to comprehend that my Teddy is gone. It was the only possession that I truly cherished; a stuffed animal given to me as a gift, the first thing that was ever truly mine.
I can't help but wonder what it means when someone gives you a gift. Does it mean they like you? Or is it something else? I can’t stop thinking about this as I go through the everyday routine. I finish my dinner, help with the dishes, take a shower, and get ready for bed. My thoughts keep spinning in my mind, wondering if the grown-up woman really does like me enough to give me that gift.
As the lights go off and the grown-ups say their goodnights, the big bedroom transforms into a massive sleeping space full of double beds for little souls. As I lay in bed, I can't stop thinking about my teddy. It's the middle of the night, and I am wide awake. My soul cries.
I carefully peek out from under my blanket and slip on my oversized slippers. Gathering all the courage within me, I stand up and begin my quest to find my beloved white teddy bear.
I know exactly where the little girl's bed is. The stillness of the night unsettles me, and my mind begins to race with thoughts of what could happen in this silence. But I continue on, my slippers making no sound as I approach her bed. And there he is, lying next to her. It doesn't make any sense; I think to myself. Despite my racing thoughts, I remain careful and quiet as I reach for my teddy bear. I don't want to wake her up, and thankfully, I don't.
I finally have my Teddy, the white bear that makes me feel safe. Nights and rains are my favorite because they hide my tears as I lay awake thinking. I snuggle my white teddy bear close to my body, holding him tight under my arm. His soft fur soothes my chin, and in this moment, I know that magic is real. For the first time in my life, I feel safe and warm inside. Even if the little girl and her friends decide to bully me tomorrow again, it doesn't matter; I have my Teddy to protect me.
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